Don't Call Me Lord
by Hermione L. Granger
Summary: Alright, this was for Mandy's challenge. Um, R/Hr, I guess. It's funny, I guess....


Don't call me Lord  
  
By: Hermione L. Granger  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own HP, Pinky and the Brain, the pencil test, my friends, or even the plot itself.  
  
A/N: Alright guys, I wrote for Mandy's fanfic challenge. The requirments were:  
  
-Voldemort must be pregnant  
-the father of Voldemort's *ahem* baby must be of the human species.  
-Ron cannot be gay. *YAY RON!!!!!*  
-It must be funny  
-someone has to say: "Aw, look at the little punum..."  
-someone has to say: "My foot itches" (my foot does itch, thats what prompted that..)  
-straightjackets must be present  
-It has to be more than 2 pages long. But that shouldn't be too hard.  
and lastly,  
-someone has to say: "Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh" (which is hebrew for "my monkey is on fire" HAHAH!)  
  
  
"What were you thinking!" Voldemort screamed, "Honestly Wormtail, couldn't you tell that that cape, which is bright orange, would NEVER go with my redish maternity dress?? Have you no brains?" Voldemort spat towards his servant.  
  
"I'm sorry my lord," Wormtail began to stutter.  
  
"Don't call me lord!" Voldemort bellowed, "it's what Lucuis used to call me when we were in bed." At this thought Voldemort broke down into sobs.  
  
"I just don't know what I'll do if the baby looks like him!" he gasped. After a few moments of Voldemort crying like a love stricken teenage girl, and Wormtail just looking scared, Voldemort sat straight up.  
  
"Wormtail, are you pondering, what I'm pondering?" Voldemort finally asked.  
  
"I think so Master, but if we took the pencil test, wouldn't we need toothpaste to make them stick? (*)" Wormtail answered.  
  
"No, I just decided what we're going to do tonight!" Voldemort roared.  
  
"Oh, uh, what's that?" Wormtail stuttered out.  
  
"Try to kill Harry Potter!" Voldemort screamed madly as they disappearated right outside of Hogwarts.  
  
"Come Wormtail!" Voldemort screamed as he wadled up towards the castle. His stomach was getting very large.  
  
"Uh, Master, don't over exert yourself, remember the baby," Wormtail fussed.  
  
"Remember the baby, remember the baby," Voldemort immatated in a high voice, "Well I don't give a rip about Him or his baby! My foot itches."  
  
With this, Wormtail threw himself on the ground and began to scratch Voldemort's foot.  
  
"No, no, lick it. Water normally...agh, that's better."  
  
Soon though, Wormtail was back on his two feet, and the two continued their slow journey towards Hogwarts. They had no sooner gone through the door when-  
  
"Nobody's here, come on Ron!"  
  
"Listen, I don't want to be caught, Fred and George got kicked out for blowing up a toilet, then were almost killed by mom, I don't want to know what she would do to me if I got expelled for screwing,."  
  
"We won't get caught,"  
  
"Hermione..."  
  
"Uh, excuse me," Wormtail interrupted the couple. He continued once Hermoine put her shirt back on.  
  
"Yes?" she asked.  
  
"Can you tell us where, uh, Har-why Put-tar is?" Wormtail said careful, reading from a small sheet of paper.  
  
"I'm sorry, we don't know a Harwhy Putter," Ron said, eyeing the two strangly.  
  
"Oh honestly," Voldemort and Hermione coursed together, "Harry Potter."  
  
"OH!" Ron and Wormtail answered.  
  
Suddenly, with a flash of light, without warning, in an amazing move, very quickly, before anyone could blink an eye, in flash, Ginny and Cho came flipping into the picture. Along with Hermione, the three stuck a Charlie's Angles' pose.  
  
"Child of destiny!" they screamed, with their wands as guns.  
  
"Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh! Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh!" Harry suddenly ran in screaming. The whole crowd looked down towards his...well, you know...then back up to his face.  
  
"Oh, get your mind out of the gutter!" he yelled, raising a flamned monkey in the air, "It has been ignited with flames from countless cliches and slash fics!!"  
  
"NO!" the group screamed.  
  
"YES!" Harry screamed back.  
  
"Aw, look at the little punum..." Cho cooed, petting the monkey. Quickly, she burst into flames. Since nobody liked her because she was keeping Ginny and Harry apart, the little....anyway, she died.  
  
"No!!" Harry began to yell, running around in circles, "My beloved Cho, NO!"   
  
"Alright Ginny, we were assigned to protect Harry, and now he's hurting himself," Hermione said quickly in a I-know-more-than-you-do voice.  
  
"Code 364?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Yes." Together the two girls pulled out a straitjacket and wrestled Harry into it.  
  
"Oh my!" Voldemort suddenly screached. Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Wormtail, and even Harry, turned to look at him.   
  
"My water broke!" he quickly explained, "Come Wormtail, we must hasten to Lucuis's. I beleive he has a house elf named Dobby Jr. who knows how to deleiver babies."  
  
"But Lord-"  
  
"Don't call me that!!"  
  
"Alright." And with that, the two disappereated.  
  
  
*Alright guys, didn't want to spoil it for you in the A/N (plus, if your like me you wouldn't read it) but the pencil test is something my freak friends found in this book. Basically, you take a pencil, and stick it under your boob to see if you need to wear a bra or not. If the pencil sticks you do, if it doesn't you don't. The toothpaste came from one girl in the book and one of my friends, who used toothpaste to stick the pencil there. Sigh. 


End file.
